Childhood and teenage years
I took a cock in my mouth for the first time when I was ten years old.
I was at an all-boys boarding school and the other boy was one of my classmates. It was all done consensually in an atmosphere of experimentation and curiosity. We were just learning about our bodies and trying to understand the feelings we were experiencing as many children at the onset of puberty are wont to do.
I fooled around with other boys too during my time there – mutual masturbation and some oral sex – because I found it pleasurable and exciting but there was no sense of being ‘gay’. In fact, when the school turned co-ed in my last two years, we boys were introduced to the idea of girls and I ended up touching my first female pubic hair and budding breasts. Again, there was no real understanding of the sexual aspects of what we were doing, it was excitement and discovery. As this blog develops I am sure that there will be some readers who will point to this time at an all-boys school that assisted in developing my male-attraction tendencies but I am not convinced of this. Of course, if you put a bunch of young kids of the same sex in close proximity with each other for months at a time, where they’re working, playing, washing, bathing, swimming and sleeping in dormitories together, some of them are naturally going to gravitate towards some kind of sexual activity. However, just because it’s boy-on-boy or girl-on-girl at these younger ages does not necessarily mean they are settling into their sexuality at this time. Certainly for me it had no impact on my desires in later life. I have always enjoyed sex with women and will always be attracted to them.
On leaving boarding school aged 12 I ended up at the local comprehensive, moving from a school with 155 kids, five of whom were girls, to a school with 1500 kids, approximately half of whom were girls! Within a couple of years, I’d had a few girlfriends, lots of kissing and cuddling and uneducated fumbling, the early stages of sexual activity I suppose. However, I’d also had a few instances of gay ‘fumbling’ with a couple of friends. I remember once instance aged about 14 when I was out in the fields with one boy when we found some hedge porn (remember that?!) along side the railway line. We decamped to some trees and sat down to flick through it. As I recall, it was quite graphic and before long we both had pretty strong erections. We had shyly got our cocks out to wank and then I offered to wank him which ended up with me sucking him off. He’d had a little go at wanking me but I was more interested in sucking him. Again, I must stress that for neither of us was there any sense that we were gay, it was just exciting and pleasurable. I was still interested in and checking out girls and my sex fantasies never involved me doing stuff with other men, it was always women.
It wasn’t until I was 18 that I first experienced a gay man trying to seduce me. I was working out in the Middle East where any European company was to be treasured and a young English man, in his mid-twenties I suppose, invited me out to dinner at his house one night. He was nice, attentive and we were having a pleasant evening. He’d been plying me with gin and tonics throughout and I was starting to feel the effects of the alcohol when he ‘made his move’. It was gentle, not pressuring and when I, in my drunken haze finally realising what he wanted, declined his attentions, he acceded, explaining that he was attracted but did not want to force himself on me, preferring me to respond willingly. He drove me home and we parted on good terms although for whatever reason, I never saw him again.
During the year I was out in the ME, apart from one Arab guy trying to put his hand in my lap, that was the only gay experience I had. I did, however, have two different girlfriends, one of whom which I had lots and lots of excellent sex with!
I think at this point I had not considered that I might be bisexual. I knew I wasn’t gay. Women were always my primary focus and while my fantasies might have included other men in a group scenario, they were certainly not doing anything to/with me! I knew that I was able to suck a man’s cock and get pleasure from doing it but as far as I was concerned I wanted a girlfriend and have lots of sex with that girlfriend!
Whether this was the foundation of my sexuality today is up for discussion. All I know is that 35 years on I find myself now thinking about gay sex a great deal, remembering how it felt that first time eight months ago and the two subsequent sessions. Knowing that all I have to do is pick up the phone and call him to arrange another meet is something of an issue.
Of course, the problem is that I have been in a committed relationship with my partner for just short of 30 years. She knows about my infidelity because I told her shortly after the third time I’d been unfaithful. She was naturally devastated and we nearly came to the end of our relationship because of it. However, she has chosen to keep me and try and rebuild what we had. I have committed to doing the same but I am still haunted by my memories and am seriously struggling with the physical desire. And that is what this blog is about. I hope to discuss plenty around this subject, including infidelity, sexuality, desire, needs, morals, ethics and personal philosophy. I encourage any readers to join in with this. Comments are always open here.