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The Beginning

Childhood and teenage years

I took a cock in my mouth for the first time when I was ten years old.

I was at an all-boys boarding school and the other boy was one of my classmates. It was all done consensually in an atmosphere of experimentation and curiosity. We were just learning about our bodies and trying to understand the feelings we were experiencing as many children at the onset of puberty are wont to do.
I fooled around with other boys too during my time there – mutual masturbation and some oral sex – because I found it pleasurable and exciting but there was no sense of being ‘gay’. In fact, when the school turned co-ed in my last two years, we boys were introduced to the idea of girls and I ended up touching my first female pubic hair and budding breasts. Again, there was no real understanding of the sexual aspects of what we were doing, it was excitement and discovery. As this blog develops I am sure that there will be some readers who will point to this time at an all-boys school that assisted in developing my male-attraction tendencies but I am not convinced of this. Of course, if you put a bunch of young kids of the same sex in close proximity with each other for months at a time, where they’re working, playing, washing, bathing, swimming and sleeping in dormitories together, some of them are naturally going to gravitate towards some kind of sexual activity. However, just because it’s boy-on-boy or girl-on-girl at these younger ages does not necessarily mean they are settling into their sexuality at this time. Certainly for me it had no impact on my desires in later life. I have always enjoyed sex with women and will always be attracted to them.

On leaving boarding school aged 12 I ended up at the local comprehensive, moving from a school with 155 kids, five of whom were girls, to a school with 1500 kids, approximately half of whom were girls! Within a couple of years, I’d had a few girlfriends, lots of kissing and cuddling and uneducated fumbling, the early stages of sexual activity I suppose. However, I’d also had a few instances of gay ‘fumbling’ with a couple of friends. I remember once instance aged about 14 when I was out in the fields with one boy when we found some hedge porn (remember that?!) along side the railway line. We decamped to some trees and sat down to flick through it. As I recall, it was quite graphic and before long we both had pretty strong erections. We had shyly got our cocks out to wank and then I offered to wank him which ended up with me sucking him off. He’d had a little go at wanking me but I was more interested in sucking him. Again, I must stress that for neither of us was there any sense that we were gay, it was just exciting and pleasurable. I was still interested in and checking out girls and my sex fantasies never involved me doing stuff with other men, it was always women.

It wasn’t until I was 18 that I first experienced a gay man trying to seduce me. I was working out in the Middle East where any European company was to be treasured and a young English man, in his mid-twenties I suppose, invited me out to dinner at his house one night. He was nice, attentive and we were having a pleasant evening. He’d been plying me with gin and tonics throughout and I was starting to feel the effects of the alcohol when he ‘made his move’. It was gentle, not pressuring and when I, in my drunken haze finally realising what he wanted, declined his attentions, he acceded, explaining that he was attracted but did not want to force himself on me, preferring me to respond willingly. He drove me home and we parted on good terms although for whatever reason, I never saw him again.
During the year I was out in the ME, apart from one Arab guy trying to put his hand in my lap, that was the only gay experience I had. I did, however, have two different girlfriends, one of whom which I had lots and lots of excellent sex with!

I think at this point I had not considered that I might be bisexual. I knew I wasn’t gay. Women were always my primary focus and while my fantasies might have included other men in a group scenario, they were certainly not doing anything to/with me! I knew that I was able to suck a man’s cock and get pleasure from doing it but as far as I was concerned I wanted a girlfriend and have lots of sex with that girlfriend!

Whether this was the foundation of my sexuality today is up for discussion. All I know is that 35 years on I find myself now thinking about gay sex a great deal, remembering how it felt that first time eight months ago and the two subsequent sessions. Knowing that all I have to do is pick up the phone and call him to arrange another meet is something of an issue.

Of course, the problem is that I have been in a committed relationship with my partner for just short of 30 years. She knows about my infidelity because I told her shortly after the third time I’d been unfaithful. She was naturally devastated and we nearly came to the end of our relationship because of it. However, she has chosen to keep me and try and rebuild what we had. I have committed to doing the same but I am still haunted by my memories and am seriously struggling with the physical desire. And that is what this blog is about. I hope to discuss plenty around this subject, including infidelity, sexuality, desire, needs, morals, ethics and personal philosophy. I encourage any readers to join in with this. Comments are always open here.



…and a long one at that. If you’re still subscribed, I applaud your patience. I am determined to get back to this blog so in the meantime here’s a fantasy I wrote last year.

Authors Note: The guy I’m walking in with is the guy who was the first to fuck my arse and showed me what I was capable of.

He opens the door with a smile and beckons us inside. A little taller than you with a slim, well-proportioned body, he guides us down the hall to the living room where she is waiting on one of the sofas, dressed in a light dressing gown showing hints of lace and fishnet. It’s a large open-plan room with two sofas, one three-seater and one two, both able to lay out flat. There’s a large screen tv on one wall, the beginning of a group bi film silently playing and next to one of the sofas is a table with a cloth covering some shapes underneath.

You and I sit together on the two seater sofa while he arranges drinks and we start chatting. He returns to sit next to her laying a hand on her leg as she does likewise to him. The talk starts turning to our experiences, likes, desires and so forth and I put my hand on your thigh and start stroking you as we describe how you broke me in and how it opened my world. As already discussed and agreed, personal stimulants are brought out and as the high hits each of us we sink back, you and I undoing each others belts and buttons as we see him sliding his hand in between her thighs as her gown opens.

I sigh as your hard cock springs free, filling my hand as I feel mine in yours. I look across to see his fingers dipping in and out her shaven cunt as she wanks his cock. As she bends down to take his cock in her mouth, I get up, remove my clothes and kneel down between your legs. I look up into your face as I lick and suck you, watching you looking at them. 

As you lay back, eyes half-closed, I take your cock, licking, sucking, holding your balls, dipping the tip of my tongue in your arsehole. I feel a hand on my backside and briefly look to see both of them right behind me, two pairs of hands exploring my bumhole, balls and cock. He comes up alongside me and together we share your cock, slipping it to one another. As we do this, she slips a finger into my arse and gently finger fucks me as I wank your cock into his mouth while fingering your arsehole.

Pausing briefly to take any remaining clothes off, we lay the sofa flat and she lays back, legs spread apart with you and I kneeling either side of her. She takes a cock in each hand and starts sucking us both while he kneels between her thighs and starts rubbing his cock up and down her cunt. I reach down to stroke him, rubbing his crown into her clit and lips before he slowly presses in and up her cunt. You’re squeezing my balls as she sucks us both and I rub her clit as he fucks her until she starts to shake and orgasm.

He pulls his cock out of her cunt and I shift down to lick her juices off him before lying down on my back. She moves down, straddling my face, my cock pointing up into hers. I start to lick and finger her holes as you and he lie down beside us in the same position. As we all 69, I can see his cock in your mouth, sliding in and out as he facefucks you. I reach over to cup his balls and press the tip of a finger against his arse.

You and he separate and you move between my legs, lifting them up and wide while she continues to suck my cock. You offer yours to her and she gets you all wet and slick before presenting the tip of your cock to my arsehole. I feel you pushing in as she holds my cheeks apart until you’re buried up to the hilt. We pause for a moment as I feel your shaft filling me. As you start to pump me, she starts to bob up and down on my cock. I’m torn between thrusting up into her mouth and bearing down on you so settle for moving back and forth as much as I can. I can feel the tingle beginning but am not ready to come yet so you slowly withdraw. 

After a brief respite to gather our breaths and take another pipe, I have him lie down with her sitting on his cock. You kneel behind her and I take your cock, wanking and licking it, rubbing it against her arsehole, tonguing her slick before pressing you into her. I hold you as you slide in and as you start to fuck her, I move round to their heads where they share my cock as she’s double-fucked. I can just see your cock sliding in and out, the lips of her arse clinging as you move in and out. Looking down I see him taking all my length in his mouth as she cups my balls, pumping my arse with her fingers. Soon, she’s bucking all over as she comes hard and we fall apart all out of breath. 

As we’re resting, she sits back at one end of the sofa facing the three of us, him sitting between us. He takes our semi-hard cocks in his hands, gently massaging and stroking us. Together, we lean in and go to work on his smooth shaft, one sucking his balls while the other licks his crown. Opposite us, she has her legs wide and is rubbing her clit and cunt with a big dildo as she watches us. I want to see him fucking you, so have you get up and straddle him facing away. You sit back so his cock is rising up next to yours and I spend a little time sucking you both, back and forth. You lift up and I put his cock to your arse , holding your cheeks wide as you lower yourself on to him. Your cock swells as he fills you and as his cock glides in and out I start to lick you from your arse, over your balls and up your length before taking your whole cock into my mouth, my hand gently resting against his prick as he fucks you.

Taking her dildo out from her arse, where she has been busily pumping herself, she slides across to lie beside me, our faces inches away from your cock-filled arse. I put your cock in her mouth and move behind her. Without hesitation I push my prick into her cunt, feeling her pushing back eagerly. We start to fuck, her matching my every thrust with a push back of her own. I see you, eyes closed, moving up and down on his prick, as yours fucks her mouth.

That’s it so far. I keep promising my self I’ll finish it sometime.

Stimulate Me!

Sex and drugs (and rock and roll, if you want to!)

I lost my virginity aged 15 with a woman 8 years older. She was a friend of my mother’s and we were attracted to each other almost immediately. We only had sex three times and to be honest, none of it was particularly satisfying for me and, no doubt, for her either. At least I now knew what was what, more or less, and gradually my experience and bedroom skills improved.

I don’t remember the exact time and place of my first sex while high on dope but I do remember that the sensations were definitely heightened; the feel of bare skin, the slickness of a wet pussy, the way various parts of each others bodies responded to touch or stroke, the increased sensitivity of the head of my cock and of course, the intensity of orgasm, beyond anything I’d experienced before. Naturally, I soon found that I preferred being stoned during sex and having a partner who is feeling the same enhanced sensations as you only adds to the excitement.
I’ve slept with a few women who had their first ever cannabis with me and each and every one of them said how surprised they were at the intensity it gave to the foreplay, how relaxed and ‘in the moment’ they became and, from more than one of them, the first-time multiple orgasms. I say this not to ‘big’ myself up, merely to demonstrate the impact dope can have on sex.
I recognise that these feelings do not suit everyone, especially the sense of loss of control that has been described to me. It can cause panic and anxiety so any experimentation should always be approached with care. No one should ever feel panicked or anxious before, during or after sex. If they do, then something is wrong and it should have never been started in the first place.

Public safety message delivered, onwards we go.

I was first introduced to amphetamine in my early twenties and for a short period was doing it quite regularly. The problem with the speed was that while it certainly ‘sped’ me up, it always left me feeling quite horny too. Being single at the time was rather a handicap so my right arm got plenty of work during some marathon wanking sessions 😮 😉
It was during this time that I started seriously investigating my own arse, first with fingers and then buying a dildo. Even with this, I honestly still had no thought in my head of any incipient gayness/bisexuality or desire to go out and find a guy to satisfy my sexual frustration. No, I was focused on women and just enjoyed sticking a finger up my butt when wanking. No gay here, sir, nope.

Drugs were the entryway to my first threesome. A very good friend had come down to visit for the weekend and he’d brought some speed down with him. I had dope so that evening, he and I did a line of speed, and me, him and my girlfriend shared a spliff or two before heading out to the pub. I suspect all three of us knew something special might happen as at around 10pm, without any preamble, we all agreed to go back to my flat.
Once there, my friend and I had some more speed and my girlfriend had more dope. We were all lying on my bed when she got up to go to the loo and my friend then told me how horny he was feeling. He asked if I thought she would go for a threesome. I said I would definitely ask as I was ragingly horny and a threesome was top of my list of fantasies. She came back, he went to the loo and took the opportunity to suggest it. Amazingly, after a brief pause for thought, she agreed.
We gently got started and slowly it developed into a very, very good session. There was very little nervousness or hesitation and I must say, the whole thing was bloody brilliant. My friend and I did not actually do anything together while she was in the room but at one point, she left to go to the loo again and while she was gone, he and I were just lying there with our hard cocks proud. I took the opportunity to reach down, take his cock and then put it in my mouth. I didn’t ask him, I just did it. He was quite happy to let my carry on but when I heard her coming back, I hurriedly quit what I was doing as I didn’t know how she’d react to seeing me sucking his cock. We all got back into the session together eventually falling asleep sometime around 4am.
When we awoke a few hours later, we just naturally got started again and had a brief final moment together. Later that day, he went home and she and I spent the next two or three days on a real emotional high, reliving moments, turning to each other and just grinning, talking about what we might do differently if there was a next time, and so on.

This threesome did not have any negative impact on my relationship with this girl. We stayed together for nearly two years in all before separating. Our threesome was never discussed in anything other than happy memories and wistful thoughts. We never had another threesome but both of us had no regrets over what we did. As for me sucking my friend’s cock, it never came up in conversation with him. However, some years later I would find myself with his cock in my mouth again. That was the first time I was unfaithful to my current partner/wife of near 30 years. More on this in a later post.

I’ll pause here for now. My next post should take us into that period where I found my sexual desires changing, especially when high.
Welcome to my new followers, please comment if you want to.


Je ne regret rien

I was reading through my first post the other day and realised that I had completely forgotten one particular encounter I had in Paris, aged 16. I’d been working at a holiday camp near Lyon for three weeks, the only English speaker amongst 100 french children and adults. I already had a good command of the language thanks to a french-teaching mother and multiple visits to Brittany as a child and after three weeks immersed in the language, I was near fluent.
I was making my way back to England, arriving at Paris Gare de Lyon in the evening, crossing the city on the Metro and getting to Gare du Nord for a train to Calais. I’d missed the last train so hunkered down in the station preparing to sit the night out and catch the first available train in the morning. I didn’t know that they close the station between 1am and 4.30am and all of a sudden I, along with a whole bunch of others were turfed out on to the streets. Not quite knowing what to do, I was sitting on the pavement leaning against the wall when two men approached me and started chatting. One was older, middle-aged and the other in his early twenties. The older one did the talking, asking me where I was from, where I was going, complimented me on my accent and invited me to a cafe for a coffee. I had hours to kill and they seemed nice enough so I agreed.
We had a coffee and continued chatting when the older guy suggested going back to his flat where I could clean up and sleep before catching a train in the morning. By this time, I was so tired as I’d been travelling since early morning, the thought of a few hours sleeping on a sofa sounded perfect. We drove back to their flat where I settled down on the sofa and the younger guy went into the bedroom. The older guy stayed with me, chatting. Then, pretty much out of nowhere, he asked me if I’d ever seen a porn movie. I hadn’t and said so. The next thing I know is, we’re sitting together on the sofa as a full-on hardcore porn movie plays on the TV. I still remember the title – A Nous Les Petites Poissonettes – and a fair bit of the action. It was 90% hetero action apart from one scene right near the end where the main guy gets fucked doggy style by another guy.
Of course, within about 30 seconds I was rock hard and within a few minutes he had wanked me to coming and had me wank and fondle him. For the hour and a bit of the film we played around and although he kinda suggested it, I declined him fucking me or me fucking him. To be honest, while I was excited to be watching my first ever blue movie, I was bloody tired and did what he wanted me to do automatically, enjoying it but just ready to sleep.
I did manage to get a little sleep before he drove me to the station as promised and saw me off on the train to Calais and onward home to England.

It’s interesting that I should forget to mention this in my opening post as honestly, it’s the one encounter that I sometimes wish I’d dealt with differently. You see, in the morning, the old guy asked me if I [i]had[/i] to go back England. As it happened, I didn’t and he asked me to stay for a while longer, a few days, a couple of weeks. He promised to show me all around Paris, made it sound exciting and I said no! How many times since have I regretted that decision. OK, I was 16, it was 1981 and while intelligent, I was probably a bit naive to be on my own in a foreign city but with my fully bisexual head on today, I wonder just where it might have led me had I said yes.